Talking Hearing Loss

There is an excellent article by Heather Rivera, Ph.D.titled My (Hearing) Wake-Up Call in which she discusses a defining moment in her life when she was unable to understand any of the dialogue during a production of Phantom of the Opera. This wake-up call prompted Heather to explore whether a cochlear implant could be a solution for her hearing loss.

In 1999, something happened to me that should have served as my hearing wake up call, however I missed it. (truth is I ignored it but we’ll come to that) To understand why, you need to know a little bit about my mind-set at this point in my life

I was not born deaf. It wasn’t until I was about 13 years old that I learnt that I had hearing loss in my left ear; at the time my right ear was not affected. I just wanted to be ‘normal’ and so I chose to hide and more or less ignore my hearing loss. I was given my first hearing aid when I was about 14 years old but there was no way in a million years I was going to use it, especially at high school. I think back now about how many of my so called ‘behavioural issues’ during my teenage years could have simply come down to the fact that I wasn’t hearing as well as everyone else.

The issue with my left ear was a condition called otosclerosis which could be ‘fixed’ when I was old enough so I just thought to myself ‘Okay I only need to pretend I’m okay for a couple of years then I’ll be normal again’

When I was 19 years old I had a procedure called a stapedectomy which was supposed to correct what was causing my hearing loss. The procedure was successful and I was ‘normal again’…. for a little while. About 2-3 months after my surgery, something happened. One day out of the blue, I was hit by sudden extreme dizziness. One minute I was standing and the next I was a staggering, vomiting mess before I crumpled to the floor. It was one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced, very much like being on an out of control amusement park ride that you cannot get off. I still don’t know exactly what caused this episode, but whatever it was wiped out all the hearing in my left ear. Ironically, it was around this same time that my right ear started showing signs of hearing deterioration.

So jump ahead several years…I’m fresh out of university and have started working full time. Also around this time I had began using a hearing aid regularly; however still wanting to come across as ‘normal’ and for my hearing loss to remain hidden, my hearing aid was disguised to look like a pair of glasses. (ironically my vision was excellent at this time so the glasses were fitted with plain glass. So yes I was wearing glasses to help me hear!!)

One lunchtime, a group of us were crossing a busy Melbourne street and I did not hear that there was an approaching tram as I stepped out across the tracks. A colleague shouted out “TRAAAAM”, grabbed my shirt and pulled me out of harm’s way. I have no doubt in my mind that if not for this intervention I would have been critically injured. Apparently the tram driver was ringing a bell to signal me, but I didn’t hear it!

This should have been the defining moment that told me that my hearing loss was very much in control of me and not vice versa. Looking back now I can see that had I used this wake up call to make some changes to my circumstances I could have potentially avoided much of what was to come.

As you probably guessed from the title of this post, I hit the snooze button on my wake up call. Logically, all the signs were there but emotionally I was still not ready (and probably too scared) to accept that my hearing loss was a problem.

Over the course of the next 15 years things slowly went from bad to worse in regards to my hearing; starting with a return instance of the dizzy episode that I experienced after my surgery. My overall hearing dropped not long after this and I now had no choice but to acknowledge my hearing loss, including use of a more powerful hearing aid which could not be disguised. (though I still tried it hide it beneath my hair)

I was working in a large open plan office space and there was constant sound of conversation around me so I struggled hearing on a daily basis. At meetings I would often miss something crucial that was said so when I asked a question or addressed something I thought was relevant I would be told ‘we just spoke about that’ so in the end it was just ‘safer’ for me to sit quietly and not try to contribute anything

My day would typically consist of me listening to music at my desk as I was working because if I did that then I didn’t need to talk to anyone which meant I could avoid those instances where I was not able to understand what was said to me.

At one point, my co-workers were so used to me not responding if they called that they would throw a tennis ball at me to get my attention. My feeling of self worth was so absolutely rock bottom that I just accepted this every time it happened (and hated myself for doing so)

There are many published articles on the side effects of untreated hearing loss such as social isolation, depression and low self esteem to name a few…..I went through all of them! I grew to hate my hearing loss and I blamed it for everything that was going wrong in my life. I felt like no one understood what I was going through and so I resented everyone. I was not in a happy place!!

My only saving grace was when I met my wife. She gave me a fresh (and crystal clear) perspective on how much I was letting my hearing loss define me for the worst. Having kids added to this, it especially taught me how wrong it was to be channeling my frustration about not being able to hear at the people who were trying to talk to me. More or less the only time when I didn’t feel overwhelmed with utter sadness was when I was home with my wife and children because this was the only environment where I didn’t feel suffocated by my hearing disability.

I don’t think my 2nd wake up call was the result of one specific event but rather the culmination of everything that was going on with my hearing issues and feeling so miserable at work. I knew that things had to somehow change or I was never going to escape this crushing abyss that I felt trapped in. Finally, I was emotionally ready to do something about my hearing loss.

I began to look at any and all possibilities, including further study which could give me skills to move into a new career. I was literally the drowning man who was clutching at straws to save himself. But guess what….amongst all the dead ends, I found a single glimmer of hope. There was an institution which was offering a course in Audiometry which I could study from home.

All of a sudden it seemed so clear to me. What better way to conquer my hearing loss than to study it and help those affected by it!

I took a leap of faith and enrolled in the course. I was hit by a few massive obstacles along the way but at the same time I was also gifted with some lucky breaks and the faith of people like Dr Elaine Saunders who believed in me and the path I had chosen.

I’m now working as a hearing care professional and hearing so much better thanks to a cochlear implant I had in early 2017. I talk to people every day about their hearing difficulties and I strive to never let anyone experience the hearing hell that I went through.

Acceptance of my hearing loss was the the key to the shift in my circumstances. It wasn’t logical acceptance because not even nearly getting killed by a tram was enough to spur me into action. I had to recognise and accept how the hearing loss was impacting me emotionally before I took the next step.

It is funny when I think about it because for most of my life I felt like my hearing loss was my biggest weakness but in the end it gave me my greatest strength.

*my use of the terms ‘normal’ and ‘fixed’ are not statements that hearing loss is abnormal and that those affected are ‘broken’ in some way, but rather a reflection of my thinking at the time in question.

_{This story was originally published on 7th December 2018.}